fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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