life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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