drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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