Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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