Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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