Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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