I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
