Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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