new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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