i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
