I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
