those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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