hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she pinky promised me she was 18
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize