4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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