Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize