btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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