just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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