I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
