Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
