the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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