**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
