wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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