My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
