It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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