my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
