Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
