She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
