so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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