That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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