Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
