I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
