Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize