I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
