textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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