I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
