Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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