I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
