I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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