Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize