My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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