I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
