Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I FOUND THE LEGS
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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