K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize