just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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