Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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