I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
