someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
