I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
