Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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