Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
