So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
