mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
