she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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