So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
