my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
